Shedding the “Shoulds” of Motherhood

As therapists working with mothers during periods of reproductive transition, we frequently hear about the endless “shoulds” of motherhood. These “shoulds” come from a tender place—one of self-doubt, pressure, and the unrealistic expectation of perfection in parenting. When mothers hold themselves to these unattainable standards, it often leads to guilt, shame, and, in some cases, perinatal mood and anxiety disorders.

The problem with “should” is that it implies failure or that you’ve done something wrong, but the truth is that the expectations placed on mothers by our community is unrealistic and impossible to meet. Some of the common “shoulds” we encounter are:

• “I shouldn’t be so anxious because it will negatively affect my baby”
• “I shouldn’t be losing my patience with my child”
• “I shouldn’t have any negative emotions”
• “I should be able to care for baby without needing help”

Mothers are rarely trying to cause harm, yet they punish themselves as if they were. So, as a general rule of mothering self-talk we believe that “If you wouldn’t say it to another mother, don’t say it to yourself.”

Practicing self-compassion isn’t always easy but it is exactly that, a practice. One way to flex this muscle is to try and replace critical self-talk with some of these healthier statements:

• “Its okay if I am not happy all the time, it doesn’t mean that I am not a good mother”
• “Bad moments, don’t make bad mothers”
• “I always have my child’s best interest at heart”
• “It’s okay to have opposing emotions at the same time”
• “I am doing the best I can with the information I have”
• “Asking for help makes me a healthy and happy mother”

Motherhood is not about perfection—it’s about presence, love, and learning. The next time you catch yourself in a “should” cycle, take a pause and zoom out and focus on the collective moments of the week- chances are you will see that you are doing more than good enough.